Halloween and the Boy Who Turned One
“When witches go riding, and black cats are seen , the moon laughs and whispers, ‘tis near Halloween.”
Halloween marks a very important time in the Nguyen household. That is because our sweet Oliver turns one on Halloween this year! When I look back over the last year, well two years, I can’t think of any part of it all that has gone the way I anticipated. Pandemic aside, these last few years have looked very different than I thought they would. Although, I do feel that I have really learned to appreciate being flexible in life and the importance of finding joy in the little things. Because what better way to learn flexibility and to experience joy than to have a child, right?
I previously shared that I was about 8 weeks pregnant and struggling through the intensity of first trimester morning sickness when we made the decision to close Breve, and I thought, at the time, that it would be the hardest part of my pregnancy. Little did I know how absolutely wrong I would be. At 18 weeks pregnant I was diagnosed with an irritable uterus, which really just means I had contractions most of the day, especially if I walked around too much. Then at 35 weeks, I was diagnosed with preeclampsia, and after 4 weeks of prodromal labor, which is essentially early labor, I was induced due to high blood pressure at 39 weeks. In a nutshell, it was one of the hardest years of my life. The pregnancy alone was incredibly challenging, but combined with the uncertainty of opening a brand new business, and all the stress that comes with that, at times it was nearly unbearable. I am not at all surprised that 6 weeks after I gave birth to Oliver, I was diagnosed with PMDD, Postpartum Dysphoric Disorder, and promptly began taking medication, in addition to my weekly therapy sessions to treat it. Now, as Oliver is about to turn one, I can’t help but feel that without all the challenges in my pregnancy, I may have been blindsided by the challenges of a new baby and a new business. Instead, I think the last two years have really just shown me just how flexible I can be, and how much joy there is to be found even in the midst of immense stress and uncertainty.
In fact, it was within all the uncertainty and new baby exhaustion that I became obsessed with the idea of finding balance. I thought if I could just get a routine, or maybe if I could just get the baby to sleep and eat well, as he also had a tongue and lip tie that were released at 4 months old, that maybe, just maybe I could feel well enough to really do this whole “working mom with 2 kids” thing. I thought that if I could find a balance with raising my kids and working that I would not only feel accomplished but also actually be accomplished. I underestimated the toll my mental health would take on me, and I didn’t even consider changing my expectations on what I was supposed to accomplish. I just assumed that I wasn’t doing enough, or trying hard enough, and I pushed harder and harder to make it all come together in an impossible attempt to achieve balance.
Baby Oliver, 3 days after his tongue and lip tie release.
It wasn’t until recently that I realized that my attempts were not only futile, but were also the source of so much of my stress. So, I slowly started to shift my perspective. What if balance was not merely an equation, with a formula and a solution, but rather a process that looks a little different each day? What if I could view balance as the journey and not the destination? Which I will admit, does sound a little corny, but what if it were true? Once I started asking myself these questions, I began to realize how out of balance I truly was. So, I tried to look at each day as a series of moments and choices, rather than a race with a finish line. Then I started to really see myself as the flawed, multi faceted human I am, instead of just a mother, or just a business owner whose titles demanded I do it all just right. I also began to embrace all the ways the different parts of my identity intersect and how that affects the way I move through my day. Balance became a fluid idea that shifted into the places I needed it most, all because I stopped confusing balance with perfection.
This may seem like a long winded reflection, and that is exactly what it is. When I am not admiring every dimple, smile and sound that comes from my almost one year old boy, I am learning how to live presently in all areas of my life. I am learning that balance for me does look different every day, and as much as I want everything to make sense and as much as I want to feel like I know what I’m doing, being present in the uncertainty is a much more enjoyable experience than having it all figured out anyway. Because every time in my life that I have boldly taken on something new, like becoming a mother, or opening businesses, I never achieved balance, in fact I have lived in utter chaos, but I did end up creating something incredibly special, every single time.
This Halloween we celebrate Oliver, my sweet boy who came into our lives at just the right time to be a part of some of the most interesting years of my life. Hopefully, Ollie and I will see some of you when we come into The Burrow for breakfast or lunch, when two of my greatest challenges and two of my greatest joys are together in one place.